The Infamous Daytrip of Dr Crane
by Historybuff
Summary: In order to obtain necessary information for protecting Gotham, Batman is forced to take Dr. Crane out of prison for a day and humor his every passing fancy. No slash, I promise.
1. Chapter 1

**_Chapter 1_**

"Would you like to see my mask?" Dr. Jonathan Crane inquired eerily, despite the fact that accessing his burlap sack was momentarily impossible, since he was in fact in a straight jacket.

Lieutenant Gordon sighed, his patience at last beginning to grow thin. "Crane, just answer my question and maybe we'll be able to come to some kind of an arrangement regarding your prison time." As Gordon said this, he glanced towards a dimly lit corner of the interrogation room. "Please, Crane."

"You're going to help us eventually," Rachel Dawes said resolutely.

Dr. Crane smiled and began to twitch. "Scarecrow… Scarecrow…" Rachel started towards the door, annoyed. "I'll tell you what you need to know…"Crane began. "If I may receive what I want in return." Rachel turned to him and perceived that his pale features were beginning to quiver.

"We've already told you that we would work with you," Gordon stated curiously.

Dr. Crane gave him a half-smile. "That's not what I want."

"Well, what do you want?" Rachel asked irritably.

"I would like… one day… with 'the Batman'." These last two words came out mockingly. Rachel eyed him suspiciously, though Gordon was once more concentrating on the shady corner.

"If you think Batman will help you, you might as well forget about it," Rachel flipped. Dr. Crane sneered once more.

"That's not what I'm thinking, Miss Dawes, as you are well aware." The others waited for him to elaborate. "You all seem to think that I have a secret arrangement regarding plans to destroy Gotham. Well, I will tell you now that I don't have such plans… But I know who might." All eyes were now on Dr. Crane. "Give me one day, out of a straight jacket, no longer sedated, living in the outside world. To assure that I won't try to escape, send 'the Batman' with me. He's the best man you've got." The doctor paused, giving them a moment to think.

"What would be your motive for going out into the world?" Gordon asked.

"The way I see it, it will be a very long time before I see the world without prison bars separating me from it."

"Yeah, and what will stop you if you suddenly feel the need to destroy it while you're out there?" Rachel asked, not taking her eyes off of him.

"Somehow I doubt that 'the Batman' would allow that. Why? Is your faith in our friendly neighborhood bat at last wearing off?" Rachel crossed her arms and looked at Gordon, who was still thinking.

"Take him away," Gordon said to a few nearby police officers, who did exactly as they were told. As soon as Crane had been escorted out of the room, Gordon turned towards the dark corner. "It's dangerous," he said. "If you go out in the open, anything could happen. Especially during the day."

"I'll be able to control him," a hoarse voice echoed. A dark, masked figure emerged from the shadows and stood under the fluorescent light.

"He's not the only one against you. Besides… It's not a widely known fact that you're working with us."

"I can take him out of Gotham," the dark figure grumbled. "No one will have to know about it here."

"Yes," Gordon explained patiently. "But no matter where you are, people might tend to stare."

"It would be worth it if Crane told us what we need to know," Rachel interjected.

"She's right, Gordon. This could be the only way."

Gordon stared at him hesitantly. "Do you believe that he really just wants to go out for 'a bit of fresh air'? This man is dangerous."

"I don't know what his motive is. But I'll find out."

Gordon glanced from the masked figure to Rachel, realizing that he was outnumbered. "All right. Tomorrow I'll have it arranged for Crane to be brought here."

Upon saying this, Gordon lifted his coffee cup and left the room. Rachel sighed and stared at 'the Batman', disheartened.

"Are you sure this will work? He's already proven that he's not to be trusted."

"It doesn't matter if he can be trusted. Gotham has nothing to lose from this… But it has everything to gain."


	2. Chapter 2

_Quick author's note: This story is kind of meant to be ridiculous, so keep in mind that if characters seem to be a bit 'different' from the way they are in the movies, it's sort of intentional. :)_

**_Chapter 2_**

Dr. Crane slowly opened his icy blue eyes and swayed his head. He appeared to be seated in a large, dark, heavily enclosed vehicle, which was speeding down a road. "I wondered if we would leave Gotham."

Batman glanced at him, not the least bit phased. "We can't risk being seen there. Here." He handed Dr. Crane a small carton.

"What's this?" Crane asked, eying it suspiciously. "Some kind of drug?"

Batman rolled his eyes. "It's orange juice."

"Drugged orange juice?"

"Would I be drugging you if I was attempting to go along with your scheme?"

Dr. Crane looked down, noticing for the first time that he was no longer in a straight jacket. He lifted his glasses from his jacket pocket and placed them over his eyes. His vision became infinitely clearer. Finally, he opened the small carton of juice and drank it all down at once. When he had finished, he turned the carton from side to side. On the front, there was the figure of a little happy juice box, smiling at him while fluxing a muscle. Under the little caricature was a caption, enthusiastically saying, "Contains daily recommended amount of vitamin C!" Dr. Crane turned his eyes from the little happy juice box to Batman. As hard as he tried, Crane could not picture Batman ever purchasing such a ridiculous beverage. It seemed like something he would find in a school lunch line. The mental picture of Batman shoving through a lunch line of third graders in order to purchase him a happy juice box nearly forced Crane to succumb to laughter, as much as he hated to do so. Batman immediately detected this.

"Did something funny happen?" Batman asked in his hoarse tone.

"No. Nothing. Where are you taking me?"

"A nearby town," Batman replied. Of course Batman would give him possibly the vaguest answer he could muster.

They continued riding for about an hour before Crane started becoming anxious. "You know, when I requested a day away from prison to enjoy the outside world, I thought I might actually go outside." Batman did not reply. "I guess what I'm attempting to ask you, in the plainest terms, is- Are we there yet?"

"We need to be far away from Gotham," Batman finally explained. "If anyone recognizes you and sees that I am guarding you, they'll connect me with Gordon."

"And somehow you feel comfortable with me knowing all of this because…?" Crane asked, raising an eyebrow.

"It wouldn't be difficult for Gordon to convince someone that you're insane."

"That's slightly ironic, isn't it? You know that people would never believe anything I say, yet the very reason you're doing as I've requested is because you believe I'll tell you something." Batman made no reply but stared forward at the road ahead of him. "So… Does your 'tank' have a radio?"

Batman glanced at him, annoyed. Eventually, he reluctantly pressed a button, which lifted a shield, revealing a radio. Dr. Crane eagerly turned the knobs, switching from FM to AM, never leaving it on a station for more than a few seconds. Batman began to wonder if he was purposely trying to annoy him. "Could you pick something please?"

"Oh, 'please'? Even the human bat has manners." Batman _knew_ that he only said this to irritate him. But Batman was the master of self-control and was in no way tempted to give in to such childish emotions. Meanwhile, Crane continued flipping stations. "Ah! At last a good song." Crane suddenly detected a wince from his companion. "I take it you're not a Pink Floyd fan?"

Batman hesitated. "No."

"All right… How about Yes? Do you like the band Yes?"

"No."

"The Who?"

"Never."

"The Kinks?"

"Not at all." Crane was officially offended.

"Well, what do you like?" Batman sighed and reluctantly pressed another button, opening another shield. He tossed a leather CD case at Crane, who opened it eagerly. All at once he began to moan. "The Rolling Stones… AC/DC… Led Zeppelin… Oh God, you're into Nirvana?!" Batman snatched the case from him and tossed it back into the compartment. "Ok… So… What's your favorite Nirvana song?" Batman glanced out the window, agitated.

"I…don't have one."

"You're a Nirvana fan but you don't have a favorite song? That's a little strange. Well, I don't know much about Zeppelin, so I guess I can't ask you about that." As soon as he said this, he suddenly noticed Batman sigh quietly with relief. Something seemed strange about this. Crane decided to prod further. "So… How long have you been a Mick Jagger fan?"

"Who?"

Crane jumped excitedly. "Ah HA! I knew you weren't a real Stones fan! Oh… Don't tell me… You were one of those high school rejects who pretended to like popular bands just to prevent Seniors from beating you or dunking your head or tying you up and-"

"All right. I'm not a music buff. Are you satisfied?"

Crane thought about this for a moment. "Well, no. Not satisfied. It would be weird if I were satisfied over something that insignificant. But in all honesty… Are you a complete rock star 'poser' (as the kids would say) or do you actually have a favorite band?"

"I love AC/DC… in all honesty." Crane nodded his head, not entirely satisfied, but willing to let it go.

************************************************************************

Seeing the CD case reminded Bruce of the day he bought those CDs. Alfred had been with him at the time.

"Come, Master Bruce," he urged. "You have every AC/DC album ever made. Try something new."

"But Alfred…" Bruce whined, holding up the Who Made Who album. "It's the ultimate collector's edition." After several minutes of arguing, Bruce finally agreed to buy several of Alfred's recommendations, as well as his personal choice. After all, it was not as if he couldn't afford to waste a few dollars on Alfred's rubbish music.

To neither of their surprise, Bruce listened to several songs on the Nirvana album, but soon after had switched to his pick, playing it on repeat. Alfred was not particularly proud of him.

************************************************************************

"Ok… So you really like AC/DC," Crane said, interrupting Batman's memory. "And tell me this- Who's the better singer: Bon Scott or Brian Johnson?"

Despite the fact that Batman was naturally inclined towards detesting Dr. Crane, the fact that he was knowledgeable in the field of the all-time best classic metal band made Batman feel slightly warm inside. "Bon Scott… No question about it."

"Oh, come now," Crane scoffed. "You're just saying that out of obligation, since the guy did die from alcohol poisoning."

Batman now felt more inclined to give Crane a sound thrashing for speaking so lightly of the singer's untimely death. "No. I'm saying it because it's true."

"In all honesty," Crane began pretentiously. "Neither one is particularly pleasant to listen to. Hmmm… Now I know why you like them. You can probably relate to that…growl."

Batman inhaled deeply. "Can we not talk about it anymore?"

"Fine. Don't get offended. Although, I will say that it's a little outdated to be using CDs. I mean, come on, Batman. If you can afford a tank and that fancy little Battie suit, I'm pretty sure you could spring for an ipod nano."

"I don't have time. I'm usually busy saving the innocent from people like you… Generally I'm not a psychopath's babysitter." Crane stared, once again furrowing an eyebrow.

"Uh huh… Still… There's a Best Buy _right_ in the middle of Gotham. It would only take you ten minutes or so."

"But then I'd have to spend time loading CDs into my computer," Batman found himself explaining, despite the fact that he was well aware of how stupid this conversation was.

"Again… Put a CD in, press 'load', go off and do your little Battie activities. By the time you're back, it will be all finished. NOT THAT DIFFICULT."

"Can we just not talk anymore?" Batman asked, finally becoming annoyed. Crane humored his request… briefly. But then he became bored.

"How much _longer_ do we have to _sit here_?" he complained.

"So much for not talking. We're about twenty minutes away."

"Oh good. Just enough time to…" His voice trailed off, deep in thought.

Batman eyed him curiously. "What?"

Crane lifted a finger, signaling for him to not distract him. Finally after several seconds, Crane's head shot up. "All right. I've got it. I'll go first."

"What are you talking about? What are we doing?"

Crane sighed. "Playing Twenty Questions, of course! Come on, Bats. Keep up." Batman was silent. "Bats… I'm waiting."

At last Batman gave in. "Is it a person?"

"Yes."

"Is it a famous person?"

"Yes, you might say so."

"Is it Christian Bale?"

Crane gave him a queer look. "No… Why would you guess him?"

"I don't know. I like him. And people have told me I look like-" Fortunately, Batman caught himself before he had said too much. "I mean… He seems nice."

"Wasn't he accused of beating his mother and sister?"

"_Falsely_ accused. They definitely framed him," Batman growled.

"Next question please."

"All right. Does the person live in Gotham?"

"Yes… Well, sort of. As I recall, this person doesn't really have a _home_ at the moment."

Bruce squinted towards him. "Is it a man?"

"Yes. Definitely. He's quite the lady's man, so I've heard."

Batman swallowed hard. "I… Don't know. I'm sick of this game."

"Come now! You were so close. I was thinking of _Bruce Wayne_, the Prince of Gotham. Some prince. The idiot burned his own house down." Batman was silent. "Have you ever met Bruce Wayne?" Suddenly, Batman made a sharp turn, causing the wheels to screech, and put the tank into park. "I thought you said we were twenty minutes away."

"This is close enough," Batman explained, opening the tank. Crane struggled to a standing position and turned around. "What do you want to do?" Batman asked, locking the tank (not that it was very likely that someone would try to break in).

"I don't know. I'm kind of hungry."

"Where do you want to go?"

"I think there's a McDonald's right across the street," Crane suggested, pointing.

"Fine," Batman grumbled.

"What? Do you have a problem with Mickey D's?"

"No, no. It's fine. Let's just go."

"Well, where do you want to eat?"

"I don't know. I just think… Well, Wendy's salads happen to be delicious."

"Salad?" Crane asked. "Who goes to a fast food place to get salad? Oh wait… I know. You're afraid that if you eat a burger you won't be able to fit into your Battie suit!"

"Fine! We'll go to McDonald's!" Batman snapped, dragging Crane by the arm.

"Whoa! Thanks anyway, boy scout, but I can cross the street without help."

"I have to do this. You might try to escape." Unsurprisingly, it took no more than several seconds before cars stopped long enough for Batman and his hostage to cross the street.


	3. Chapter 3

**_Chapter 3_**

"I'll have a… Number one… make that two number ones… with a Coke… and, uh… super-size it, please." Crane stared in shock as Batman placed his order.

"So much for a salad," he mumbled. Batman began to glare.

"On second thought…" Batman corrected, turning back to the startled cashier. "Make it a Diet Coke."

"Sure. That will prevent your arteries from plugging," Crane flipped, still looking over the menu.

"What do you want for food?" Batman asked.

Crane began to rub his chin pensively. "You know, I'm not that hungry anymore. Would it be possible for me to get a Happy Meal?"

"Crane!" Batman barked, humiliated.

"What? You think I'm not embarrassed to be seen with Batman while he's preparing to gorge himself on Big Macs?"

"I'm sure we could make allowances," the cashier broke in nervously.

"You see?" Crane said to Batman. "Thank you very much. I'd love the chicken nugget Happy Meal with… An Oreo McFlurry… Make that a Butterfinger."

"Would you like a small McFlurry? They're only a dollar," the cashier suggested.

"That's fine. Not that it matters. I'm not paying anyway." At this, Batman glared at him. "What? Do you meet many asylum inmates who carry their wallets with them?"

"The total will be $14.23. Are you paying with cash or a credit card?"

Batman gave her a critical stare. "If I said credit card, wouldn't you ask for ID?"

"Oh… Right," she mumbled sheepishly. Crane watched with interest as Batman struggled to pull out a small bag from an inner compartment in his left boot. He snapped open the bag and handed her a $20.

"Nice purse," Crane remarked dryly. Before Batman had the chance to reply, their order was placed on a tray in front of them. "Ok, I'll get us a table and you go find ketchup packets."

"I'm not leaving you alone!" Batman said, grasping onto Crane's arm. Several mothers and children throughout the restaurant began to stare.

"Will you please stop grasping onto me? People will _definitely_ get the wrong impression about Batman." Batman immediately loosened his grip. "I'm not going anywhere, Bats. I have a Happy Meal to eat. Now go get ketchup before the fries get cold." Batman slowly backed towards the ketchup table, not wanting to take his eyes off of Crane.

He clumsily picked up a few little white paper cups, preparing to fill them. Unfortunately, the ketchup dispenser was clogged. He pushed on the level about twelve times and nothing came out. Eventually, Batman resorted to kicking it, which was quite the spectacle for anyone who was fortunate enough to be visiting McDonald's that day.

"Hey, Bats! Get me some sauce for my chicken nuggets!" Crane called out from the other side of the room.

Batman groaned to himself. Clearly Crane was giving him the nickname 'Bats' for the sole-purpose of annoying him. He would _not _give into it. "What type of sauce do you want?" he asked.

"I don't know. See if they have honey."

Batman quickly abandoned the ketchup dispenser and crossed to the cashier, his cape blowing behind him. "Excuse me, Ma'am." The cashier looked up, afraid. "May I have some honey mustard?" She shakily handed him several small containers. "By the way, you're out of ketchup." Batman finally crossed to the table to find Crane biting a fry.

"Took you long enough," Crane grumbled. Batman threw the honey mustard onto his tray.

"There. I got you honey mustard."

Crane made a nauseous expression. "Oh _gross_! What is _that_?! I asked for _honey_. Not honey mustard. Take it back!" he ordered, pelting the honey mustard at Batman.

"I am _not_ going back to the counter," Batman declared, taking a big bite out of his Big Mac, covering his mask with special sauce.

"Fine," Crane mumbled, annoyed. "I guess I'll just eat _dry_ chicken nuggets!" Batman continued chomping down his food guiltlessly. Crane watched in disgust. "You know, as long as you're going to be the great vigilante of Gotham, couldn't you at least try using one of these?" he asked, lifting a bright yellow napkin. Batman stared at it uncertainly. "Do it for the children's sakes," Crane entreated.

Batman took the napkin, wiped the Big Mac off his mouth and mashed the napkin into a little ball with his big-gloved hand. Crane proceeded to nibble at a chicken nugget. He peered into his Happy Meal's paper bag curiously. Suddenly his face beamed with delight.

"Oh! Look!" he exclaimed, lifting a little plastic bag containing a cheap toy. He ripped the bag open and pulled out the plastic figurine. "It's _you_! See?" Batman's mouth dropped open in surprise. For once, Crane was being serious. In his hand was a small action figure of Batman. When Crane pressed a little button on the utility belt, the little plastic fist would thrust forward.

"Hey, Bats… Look… _I'm BATMAN_!" Crane roared, imitating Batman's hoarse growl while lifting the figurine to Batman's eyes. Batman started in on his second Big Mac, refusing to acknowledge him. Crane viewed this as a challenge. "_Na na na na na na na na…_" Crane sang, high pitched, making the figure dance obnoxiously in Batman's face. "_BATMAAAAN_!" Batman's patience was at last beginning to wear. Before he realized it, he had smacked the action figure out of Crane's hands angrily. The figure crashed against the window, causing the little flexible arm to fall off. Crane stared after the toy, hurt. "Nice job."

Suddenly, a cry was heard coming from the children's play area.

"_Heeeelp_!" a little voice screamed. "I'm stuck!"

Batman and Crane looked up to see a little girl, situated in the top slide of the fun zone.

"Are you planning on helping her?" Crane asked.

Batman slurped down the last of his Diet Coke. "I can't. I have to watch you."

"Right," Crane whispered. "I can see the headline now. 'Batman Allows Little Child to Decompose in McDonald's Fun Tube Because He Was Helping Lunatic Enjoy a McFlurry'." Batman glared at him silently. "You're right. That would be a _really_ long headline." Batman growled and lifted himself from the table. "Don't forget to take your shoes off," Crane reminded him cheerfully. At this, Batman snatched a handful of food from Crane's tray. "Hey! My McNuggets!" Crane exclaimed as Batman shoved the food into his mouth. "Pig."

"Hold on!" Batman called to the little girl with his usual roar. Somehow, this did not exactly pacify the small, shaking child. Uncertain as to how he should approach the situation, Batman at last dived into the ball pit and waded towards a large purple tunnel, preparing to crawl up the slide towards her. All of a sudden, something went terribly wrong. He shook and struggled, but it didn't help. Batman was officially stuck in a bright fuchsia tube. After a moment, Crane lifted himself and began to examine the situation from afar.

"Hmm… Well, Bats, I hope you've learned your lesson. When they say no one eleven or older in the fun zone…they mean it." Suddenly, a little girl skipped towards Crane and held out her hand greedily. Batman immediately recognized her as the little girl who had been trapped in the top tunnel. "Here you go," Crane said, handing her a $20. She ran away happily.

"Wait… Crane… What are you doing?"

"Well, Bats, I finally decided what I want to do for the day."

Batman struggled frantically. "I thought you said you didn't have any money."

"I snuck some money out of your boot. You know, this wouldn't be a problem if you hadn't stuffed yourself with fast food. Maybe you could have fit through the crazy tunnels!" Crane stepped towards the door, his McFlurry in one hand.

"You can't run, Crane."

"What? Are you going to send Mayor McCheese after me? Make yourself comfortable, Bats. Once I get to Europe, maybe I'll have the Hamburglar send you a postcard."

As much as he twisted and struggled, he knew it was pointless. Within seconds, Crane had disappeared. "Ugh," Batman groaned. "I knew I should have gotten a salad."


	4. Chapter 4

**_Chapter 4_**

It took the McDonald's employees a solid hour to break Batman out of the fun zone's crazy tube. Needless to say, the franchise's manager was not particularly pleased with him. He ended up paying over $300 for damage costs and was asked not to enter the facility again.

When this headache was over, he frantically began his search for Crane. Unfortunately, since he really knew nothing about Crane's personal interests, this was not an easy task. He drove his tank throughout the small town, stopping at the occasional drug store and bar to pop his head in and look around. Unfortunately, this did not lead him to Crane. However, it did succeed in frightening several small children at Chuck E. Cheese.

He was at last beginning to lose hope when a figure caught his eye on the grass in the local park that Batman was passing. He quickly switched lanes and pulled his tank into the small parking lot, taking up several car slots. Just as he had thought, it was Crane sprawled out on the crisp grass located near a small duck pond. Next to him was a small bag of bird feed. Batman eyed it with a queer expression. He was afraid that if he spoke, it might startle Crane and cause him to run. Therefore, he stood awkwardly behind, not entirely certain of what he should do.

"So, you found me," Crane mumbled, throwing some feed at a nearby duck. Batman sat next to him and was silent. "Are you going to take me back to Gotham now?"

"Only if you want me to," Batman replied. Crane turned to him, interested.

"I left you abandoned in a bright pink kiddy tunnel… and you're still not going to lock me away?"

"This isn't about me, Crane. You told the police that if we gave you a day of freedom, you would give them important information about plans against Gotham. We're hoping that you'll keep your word."

Crane turned back to the pond pensively. He lifted the bag of bird feed and gestured for his companion to take a handful. Batman shook his head.

"What? They're just a bunch of ducks. Are you afraid or something?" Batman squinted at Crane and, after a moment of hesitation, threw a handful of feed at the birds. "Great job. Now watch this." Suddenly, Crane got on his knees, moved his hands to his mouth and started making duck noises. Batman glanced about nervously.

"Crane, do you have to do that?" Crane scoffed and looked at him.

"I'm sorry. Am I _embarrassing_ you?"

"No. I just don't want you to attract the ducks."

"Oh dear… You are afraid, aren't you?"

"Fear has nothing to do with it. I just don't like them."

"Uh huh." Crane was not quite convinced. As soon as he knew Batman was not expecting it, he inconspicuously returned his hands to his mouth. "QUAAAACK!" he shouted directly in Batman's ear. Batman jumped backwards.

"What is wrong with you, Crane?" he snapped, snatching the bird feed away from him. "You never used to be this immature and obnoxious!"

"Oh please, Bats," Crane said, smiling. "I'm a psychiatrist. I can put on whatever personality I wish to have. Today, I've chosen 'immature and obnoxious' just because I know you can't do a thing to stop me."

Batman was no longer listening to Crane. Instead, his eyes were focused on a band of ducks, which were slowly wading closer and closer to him. They saw the bag of feed in his hand and were willing to do anything to obtain it. "Come on, Crane. We're leaving." Crane now noticed the ducks and decided to stand.

"Ok. Before they attack you, I guess we can go."

Unfortunately, Crane said this too late. The ducks had ganged up on Batman and were flapping their wings, grasping onto his cape with their angry beaks ferociously. Despite the fact that his partner was flailing his arms in utter panic, Crane somehow managed to remain calm. He bent down and picked up the bird feed, which Batman had dropped, tossing several handfuls into the pond. The ducks quickly chased after it, forgetting the object of their attention. Batman leaped to his feet, grabbed Crane's arm and pulled him to the tank, driving away as quickly as he could.


	5. Chapter 5

**_Chapter 5_**

"Where do you want to go now?" Batman asked, plucking a feather from his cape.

"How about a library?" Crane suggested. This seemed reasonable to Batman and he seemed to recall seeing one on his way to the duck park. He was correct and soon pulled into the lot of the town library.

"I don't have a library card," Batman admitted as they approached the building.

"Tsk tsk!" Crane scolded. "That's fine though. To be honest, I just want to use the computer."

Though Batman would have much rather looked through the books, he had no choice but to sit by Crane as he surfed the Internet.

"Oh! Look at that!" Crane exclaimed. "621 new emails. Where do I begin?" Batman tried to suppress a groan as Crane proceeded to check each individual email. Finally, he was becoming slightly annoyed.

"Crane, half of these messages is spam. You don't have to open them all."

"I know what spam mail looks like, Bats. Oh! Look! Someone sent me something _good_…" Now Batman really wanted to groan. Apparently, one of Crane's friends had sent him a forwarded email. And not just _any_ forwarded email… A personality quiz. "Come on! Let's take it!" Crane urged him. Before giving Batman a chance to defend himself, Crane had opened the link to the quiz. " 'Which Disney Princess Are You?'" Crane grinned and glanced at Batman. "Well, Bats? Which Disney Princess _are_ you? Let's find out…" Crane opened another window to the same site. "This way we can both take the quiz at the same time!" Batman wasn't quite as excited by this as Crane was. "Ok… question number 1… _Do people often call you rebellious?_"

Batman thought for a moment. "Yes."

"Oh, good. Me too." Crane made several clicks and continued. "Question 2… _Are you a hot blonde, fiery redhead or bold brunette?_"

Batman let out a long sigh. "That has nothing to do with my personality and I refuse to answer."

"Riiiight…" Crane said dryly. "Because if I knew your hair color, I would TOTALLY be able to guess your identity!" When Crane said this, his decibel level had apparently raised. A librarian immediately began to shush them.

"Next question!" Batman demanded in a hoarse whisper.

"Fine! Next question… _Describe your perfect date: (A) Reading. (B) Staying at home, cleaning for your midget friends. (C) Having your fairy godmother make you a pretty dress for a ball. (D) Swimming around, daydreaming in a pool full of junk. (E) Flying on a magic carpet with a monkey and a parrot. (F) Sleeping all day._"

Batman thought deeply. "F, definitely."

"Ok…" Crane looked at the options again. "I think I'll go with A. Whoa. How boring are we?" He scrolled down a bit. "Next… _What is your perfect boyfriend like? _Hee hee. Well, Bats?"

"Well… If I have to choose… Wait, what are my options?"

"_(A) Someone hairy and monstrous. (B) Someone who doesn't care that you live with seven other men. (C) Someone who likes pet rats. (D) Someone with legs. (E) Someone who's really poor, but compromises his identity to impress you. (F) Someone who can wake you up with a… kiss._"

"OH GROSS!" They both exclaimed at the same time, causing many people to turn and stare.

"I don't want to have to talk to you boys again," the librarian warned.

"Sorry," they whispered in unison.

"Well, Bats? What's your choice? Just as a warning, if you say E, I'll never get into that tank with you again."

"Well… My perfect _girlfriend_ would be… D, I guess."

Crane shrugged. "Yeah, I guess legs are important. I'll pick that too. Ok, final question. _Are you the fairest of them all_?"

"Yes," Batman replied, without a bit of hesitation.

"Hmmm! Well aren't we cocky?" Crane said with disdain. "Well, we can't both be the fairest of them all. And since I refuse to conform to your egotism, I'm going to say… NO."

"Oh, that will show me," Batman replied sarcastically.

"Getting feisty on me, Bats? Good. I've been waiting for you to break out of your little Battie shell. Ok… Time for the results…" Crane seemed to be reveling in the prospect of getting to see which Disney Princess he most resembled. Batman was slightly less enthusiastic. "Here we go…" Crane mumbled, gazing at the screen. "YES! Sweet! I'm Belle!" he exclaimed, nearly jumping from his seat.

Batman shook his head condescendingly. "No."

"What- What do you mean, _no_? Are you contradicting the results of the _online quiz_?"

"It's not the least bit official. Probably some 13-year-old girl posted it."

"Well, let's see what result you ended up with…" Crane switched windows and scrolled down to Batman's test results. All of a sudden, he let out the biggest, most obnoxious guffaw Batman had heard all day.

"Shut up, Crane. There's obviously something wrong with the quiz…" Crane's large, taunting smile persisted. "It's not that funny."

"It kind of is! I am going to have sooo much fun with this," he said, elbowing Batman. Batman pushed him back, annoyed. And this soon developed into a rather pathetic cat fight.

"That's it!" the librarian snapped. "Out!" Both men were escorted off the premises.

"Oh, cheer up. We have more important places to visit," Crane assured him, as Batman crossed to the tank, his arms crossed indignantly. "Don't be too offended… SNOW WHITE!"


	6. Chapter 6

**_Chapter 6_**

"Baaats…" Crane urged, turning towards him. "Come on. For once, try to have an open mind."

"NO!" Batman growled, turning towards a set of automatic doors.

"_Get back here_!" Crane ordered. "Or I won't give you a word of information." Reluctantly Batman returned to Crane's side. "Anyway," Crane resumed, turning back to the Best Buy employee. "He's a cool enough guy, as you can see. But he's just… a little stuck in the nineties, shall we say? Sure, he has the cool little utility belt and the big, bulbous tank… But the guy still depends on CDs. We've gotta fix that for him."

"All right," the employee replied, leading them to the ipod section. "What type of ipod are you looking for? The shuffle would be the cheapest, but my suggestion would be to get the nano."

"A shuffle is fine, thank you," Batman interjected.

"Don't be cheap, Bats. You can afford a nano."

"I'm not being cheap," Batman replied. "I just don't want to buy something that I'll never use."

"Oh! You'll use it!" Crane said threateningly. "And… While we're here… Let's look at portable DVD players for the tank." Batman's eyes widened. "Well, you need _something _to do in there."

"Generally when I'm in my tank, I'm driving and attempting to save people."

"BORED," Crane moaned, picking up a DVD player. "This one will do."

"NO!" Batman exclaimed, nearly stomping his foot like a petulant child. "I _won't_! I HATE Panasonic!"

Crane glanced around slightly embarrassed by the ruckus Batman was creating. "Well, there aren't many choices. I told you we should have gone to Radio Shack. Oh well. You can buy the warranty, in case it breaks." Crane handed the DVD player to the employee, as well as the nano. "Take these to the register. We'll be over as soon as we finish browsing through the DVD section."

Batman reluctantly followed Crane to the movies and stood behind as Cane fingered through the selections.

"Save Private Ryan… Harry Potter… Powerpuff Girls Movie… OOOH! Hitchcock Collection!"

Batman sighed. "No. I want sci-fi."

"Well, you're a little picky for someone who didn't even want a movie to begin with."

Batman picked up a box set. "I want this."

Crane nearly laughed out loud. "So, Bats, you're a Trekkie?"

An awkward silence. "No… Not a 'Trekkie'… Just a moderate fan."

"Uh… Moderate fans don't buy Ultimate Trekkie Box Sets. I bet you slash Kirk and Spock! Well, don't you?" Batman was losing patience for Crane's teasing.

"Never mind!" he grumbled. "I'll watch your boring Hitchcock movies."

"NOT BORING!" Crane exclaimed defensively. "Classic!"

As soon as they checked out, Crane began to unwrap the DVD case.

"Can't you wait until we get in the tank?" Batman snapped. As soon as they got into the tank, Crane began fiddling with wires on the DVD player. "You don't do it like that," Batman groaned, snatching the devise from Crane. "Here… I'll just do it myself." At this, Batman proceeded to set up the DVD player as Crane looked on, proving to be more of a hindrance than anything else.

"Bats, shouldn't that blue wire match up with the red?"

"Why would I do a stupid thing like that? Blue goes with blue. Every first-class moron knows that."

"Well _excuse me_!" Crane crossed his arms, offended. Before long, he was once again looking on. "Uh… Bats… If you hook it up like that, you're going to get some nasty feedback from your speakers."

"Please! I know what I'm doing!" As soon as he plugged in a wire, feedback buzzed throughout the tank, piercing their eardrums. Batman quickly unplugged it. "Don't say 'I told you so'!" he warned.

"Oh, I won't say it," Crane mumbled, looking out the window. "Even though it's true."

Batman finally finished setting it up and placed a DVD in to test it. Thankfully for him, it worked quite well. Crane began to clap cheerfully.

"Bravo, Bats! That only took up about thirty minutes of my life that I'll never get back."

"You insisted on buying it," Batman replied. Crane glanced down at his wristwatch.

"It's almost six."

"They expect you back by eleven. What do you want to do?"

"I don't know," Crane said, shrugging. "Want to hit a bar?"


	7. Chapter 7

**_Chapter 7_**

As soon as they entered the bar, Batman began to feel a little uncomfortable. "Crane, let's go somewhere else."

"Why? I want to stay here."

"People are staring."

Crane scrunched his face at him. "Are you _just_ noticing?"

Batman groaned. "Please, I just don't want to be here."

"Oh don't take yourself so seriously, Bats. Have a drink."

"I don't drink, Crane."

"Maybe you should try," Crane suggested, leading Batman to the bar.

"Not while I'm watching over you!" Crane glanced up, annoyed.

"Can you please stop saying that? It's rather condescending."

"You lost my trust when you abandoned me in the fun tube!"

"That's in the past now, Bats."

"It was 4 HOURS AGO!"

"Oh, look!" Crane exclaimed, no longer listening. "A mechanical bull!" Batman stood next to him and gazed at the bull.

"Very nice."

Crane stared at Batman expectantly. "Bet you couldn't stay on it for more than 5 minutes." Batman shot a glare towards Crane.

"You're right. I probably couldn't!"

"Hmmm…" Crane murmured, rubbing his chin dramatically. "It seems to me that there's certain information regarding Gotham that I supposedly have… I wonder what it was…"

"All right, Crane. You've made your point. But this time you're going too far. If I really want that information, all I need to do is hold you over the edge of a tall building. I doubt anyone would miss you."

"Yes, but if you throw me off of a building, what are the odds of me giving you that information then?" Batman opened his mouth, but was unable to reply. Crane grinned victoriously and patted the bull's saddle. "Hop on."

Batman stormed towards the bull and clumsily mounted it. "We might need some quarters. Here. I have some in my-"

"Left boot?" Crane suggested. "I know. I already have some. You know, your boots must be quite thick. I've been sneaking money out of them all day and you haven't felt a thing." Exhausted from glaring, Batman sat in silence, waiting for Crane to put the quarters into the slot.

"Ok, Bats. On the count of 3 it will start. One…"

"Two…" Batman counted. But before he reached the next number, he found himself being mercilessly thrashed. "You said three, Crane!" he yelled, grasping at the reins.

"I did? Sorry. I meant two." After several seconds, Crane was no longer amused by this spectacle and decided to make his way to a barstool. "Give me… whatever's on draft."

"Will your friend want anything?" the bartender asked, reaching for a beer mug and gesturing towards the madly abused Batman.

"He might by the time he's off that bull," Crane murmured with a devious grin.

************************************************************************

Apparently, when Crane said that he had selected a five-minute setting on the bull, he had lied.

Batman wondered why it had taken so long for Crane to insert quarters into the bull. It turned out that this was due to the fact that Crane was preparing to keep Batman on the bull for a full thirty minutes. Batman had somehow managed to stay mounted for the full time frame. However, as soon as he was able to jump off, he felt the room spinning about him and soon realized that he was vomiting… all over the bull.

"Better clean it," the bartender warned, pushing a mop and bucket towards him. Of course Batman's first reaction was to call Alfred and make him deal with it. But by doing so, there was always the risk of giving away his identity. Therefore, he lifted the mop and slowly began to clean the bull. It only took him a few minutes to clean his mess, but when he looked around, a sense of panic filled him. Crane was no longer sitting at the bar.

"Hey! Over here, Bats!" a voice called from behind him. He sighed with relief as soon as he saw Crane. "So tell me something… If I had decided to run away… What excuse would you have given to Gordon? Would it be that I ran away when you were stuck in a McDonald's fun tunnel or when you were busy blowing digested Big Mac all over a mechanical bull?"

"I need something to drink," Batman said miserably, ignoring the question.

"Here," Crane said, holding out a cup. "I bought you water."

Batman took several large gulps before beginning to cough violently. "That's not water!"

"Oh… Did I say water? I meant straight vodka."

Batman looked up, slightly shocked. "You drugged me?"

"Come now, Bats," Crane said, pulling him towards the opposite side of the bar. "Considering our history, is it really that surprising? At least this time I'm not catching you on fire."

"I'm grateful," Batman mumbled, crossing to the bar and purchasing a bottle of Powerade.

"Hey Bats… I've got an idea… You have a pretty good aim, right?" Crane whispered.

"Yes. Why?"

"All right… Here's my plan… We play darts… pretend we're terrible at it… and then casually offer to play against some other guys. Then we'll beat them and look really awesome."

"Crane, I am _Batman_. I jump off of buildings and ride around in a tank… I don't need to be a dart champion to feel cool."

"You're a full grown man in a cape and a mask with pointy ears. You might want to reconsider."

Batman stared for a moment and eventually lifted a handful of darts. He threw one, which landed conspicuously close to the edge of the dartboard. "Oh no!" he said (or rather shouted). "It appears that I'm terrible at darts."

Crane tried to conceal a grin. He threw a dart in the same fashion. "Wow. I guess I'm fairly terrible too." They continued playing this way for several minutes before Batman noticed several men at a pool table talking quietly and glancing over at them.

"Crane! I think they're buying into it!" Batman whispered violently.

"All right. Stay calm. And please don't whisper. You're whisper's much louder than your regular… roar."

They continued playing and after about ten minutes, the men at the pool table approached.

"You two are pretty good," one said, smiling artificially.

"Care to play us?" Crane asked indifferently.

"Care to make it interesting?" the other asked.

Crane and Batman glanced at one another and grinned.


	8. Chapter 8

**_Chapter 8_**

"_T.N.T.! I'm DYNAMITE!_" Crane and Batman sang (or rather screamed) in unison with AC/DC blaring through the tank's speakers. "_T.N.T! And I'll win the fight!_"

"_T.N.T. I'm a power-load_!" Crane shouted.

"_T.N.T. Watch me EXPLOOOODE!_" Batman sang as Crane beat the dashboard like a set of drums. As soon as the song ended, they both gasped for breath.

"That was GREAT!" Crane exclaimed. "Almost as great as that dart game. We are the DART CHAMPIONS! Hey… Speaking of which… Do you have any Queen albums?" Though the mask covered the majority of his face, Crane could tell that Batman was definitely furrowing an eyebrow. "Sorry I asked. Anyway… Pull over. We only have a few hours before I have to be back. And I know exactly what we need to do…" At this Crane lifted the Hitchcock collection.

"Really? It's possibly your last day of freedom and you want to waste your final hours watching an old movie?"

"Yep. My favorite's Vertigo!"

Reluctantly, Batman pulled the tank into a gas station. "All right. Put it in."

Batman tried to become interested in the movie. Every once in a while, he would have Crane explain what was happening. At first Crane tried not to give away too much information, but within several minutes, had given away the plot twist.

"All right… Well… That's boring," Batman scoffed.

"Bats, we've been over this before. Just watch."

Batman watched… and watched… and fell asleep. Crane didn't notice this until the end of the movie.

"Baaats…" he whispered quietly. "Baaats…" No response. Crane sat pensively for a moment before silently unbuckling his seatbelt. He was about to leave the tank when he was suddenly struck with a brilliant thought.

He glanced at the dark, unconscious figure. He wondered if he would even notice if he…

But he might not want to look. After all, what would he do with the information if he discovered it? Still…

It was rather tempting.


	9. Chapter 9

**_Chapter 9_**

Batman's eyes shot open as he sat up straight. How could he have fallen asleep? After all that rigorous mental training he put himself through, and all it took was one dull movie to put him out.

Just as he feared, Crane was no longer seated next to him. He quickly struggled out of the tank and made his way around the gas station. But his endeavors did not prove to be fruitful. Crane had run and it was quite unlikely that he would be found for a while.

Batman jumped back into the tank irritably. Suddenly, something situated on the radio caught his attention. He picked up the piece of paper and unfolded it. It was covered in Crane's scrawl and read:

"_Hi Bats._

_Well, I assume that at this point you've figured out that I ran… again. Only this time you won't find me. Don't bother going to the duck pond. I won't be there. _

_I told you that if you took me out for the day, I would give you valuable information. I wasn't lying about this. I actually do have interesting information regarding plans to terrorize Gotham. _

_Several years ago, I was asked to meet with a certain inmate of Arkham. His identity was unknown, as well as his history. This made it incredibly difficult for me to come up with an accurate diagnosis. He seemed to constantly be lying about his childhood and practically every word he said was in jest. At times, it seemed as though he were speaking to amuse himself more than anyone else. Eventually, I diagnosed him with a mild case of Paranoid Schizophrenia and prescribed him heavy doses of Proxilin. However, even when he was being given strong antipsychotics, he still continued to ramble to himself about plans to destroy this city, claiming that the people in it would end up destroying it anyway. He simply wanted to give them a 'little push'. _

_Naturally, with this man locked away, I did not take his threats seriously. But for the past several months, he has been missing from Arkham and I believe it is only a measure of time before he strikes. As I recall, he went by the pseudonym of 'Joker'. _

_-Dr. Jonathan Crane"_

Batman gripped the letter and was about to fold it when he noticed a postscript.

"_PS- I took your ipod. I'll try to return it to you… possibly._"


	10. Chapter 10

**_Chapter 10_**

Obviously, Batman did not particularly enjoy the conversation he was forced to have with Gordon after this. He could tell that Gordon was trying with great difficulty to avoid panicking when Batman told him that Crane was nowhere to be found.

"I'll find him eventually. He can't be too far away," Batman assured him.

"I know you will. Don't worry too much. I'm sure he'll turn up. In the meantime, you should get some rest. I'm sure your day has been… eventful. While you're searching for him, I'll be sending my units to find more information about the 'Joker'. I've heard of him, but never realized that he could be an actual threat to Gotham." Batman took a step away. "Wait," Gordon called. "Let me ask you… Do you think that Crane could be sending us on a wild goose chase?"

"It's possible. But I don't think so." Before Gordon could question him further, Batman had disappeared.

************************************************************************

Bruce Wayne slowly rolled onto his back and stared at his ceiling for several minutes before turning to look at his alarm clock. It was two in the afternoon. He was somewhat surprised that Alfred hadn't woken him. He was quite thankful for this, since he clearly had a long night of searching ahead of him. He possibly had a great many nights of searching ahead of him.

Like clockwork, Alfred struggled to open Bruce's door and balance a tray of breakfast at the same time.

"Good afternoon, Master Bruce," he said cheerfully.

"Hey, Alfred. Do I have any plans this evening?"

"Well, at 7:30 you are supposed to be hosting a party on your yacht."

"Better cancel," Bruce said, pouring himself a cup of coffee. "My evenings are going to be tied up for a while."

"I'll take care of it," Alfred said. "Oh, this was sitting on the doorstep this morning." Alfred handed Bruce a small brown cardboard box with the name 'Bruce Wayne' written across the top in a very familiar scrawl. Bruce stared at it silently before slowly placing his cup of coffee on the tray and taking the box from Alfred.

"If you need anything, Master Bruce," Alfred began, crossing to the door.

"Yeah, I'll call you, Alfred. Thanks." As soon as Alfred had shut the door behind him, Bruce ripped open the box, trying to keep his hands from shaking. Inside was the ipod he had previously bought, as well as a small post card.

"_Sorry, Bats. I just had to find out for certain. Anyway, enjoy the music. I chose it with you in mind. Also, I hope now that your identity is 'out of the box', so to speak, this won't prevent you from searching for me. I'm anxiously awaiting the chase._

_-J.C._"

Bruce opened the ipod case and scrolled through the music section. Despite the fact that Bruce was desperately fighting the urge to panic, he had to admit that, for once, Crane had done something right.

"All AC/DC… All the time," he murmured, scrolling through the songs absent-mindedly. He leaned back, gazing forwards into space. All at once, he jumped out of bed, a sense of determination portrayed in his expression.

… And the chase was on…

-_The End- _


End file.
